My thoughts about my book and this blog and my facebook page have been all over the place for the past month.  I have not been focusing on "my" book as much as I would like as I have been dealing with work, some health issues and the like.  And then I started hearing my thoughts. "my book," and that started to worry me.  Was I being prideful?  Was that why I was feeling stuck?  Was that why I was holding back?  Was that why I didn't feel God's presence and push towards making this public even though I had finished chapter 5.  Remember in my last post I stated that MY plan was to make this public after I had finished chapter 5.  Was I taking credit for this?  I have to admit, I had daydreams about this book taking off and me becoming a public figure and being able to quit my day job and write / speak professionally. 

 

When I faced these thoughts, I was ashamed and sought forgiveness from God.  He says that when we come to him and sincerely seek his forgiveness, it will be given and I feel that he has honored his promise.  Yet again, he has proven himself so faithful.  God is so good to us.  I am currently partaking in a Bible study - The Patriarchs by Beth Moore - and it is having such rich application to my life at this time and in this season.  I never would have believed it.  There was even a video session on there being a "fine line between Godly vision and selfish ambition."  I so desire to be used as an instrument of God to share the word he has given me and that there be not one ounce of pride in me - ever - but especially so over this message.  I realize I am human and that pride is one of my pitfalls which is why I believe he gave this to me to test me and help me work on this - one trip up at a time.  Beth warns in this video segment about Satan and that the enemy will try and twist the vision and message God has given me.  He is sly and subtle.  And he tempts me every day with visions of me being exalted because of my writing or that I will have thousands of people like my facebook page (if I ever publish it) and I will have tons of fans on twitter (if I can remember my password and learn how to tweet and figure out the whole hashtag thingy).  He knows my weakness and he will exploit it.

 

But that is not why I have been so anxious to write this post.  I have been praying for God to give me an amazing and overwhelming passion and desire to love him and know him and his word.  I can tell you that he is honoring every one of these with an Amen (so be it)!  I have come to realize that God has me where I am so that I HAVE to depend on him and draw near to him to survive.  He has me in a place of waiting so he can make me into whomever I need to be for when this book is published - even if only one book is sold.  And that may be the word he has given me.  But if that is the case, so be it.  His message is out there and he will bring it to whomever needs it.  And, through the trial, I have come to a new level of trust, love and connection with God.  God is sovereign and he has a plan for my life and it includes my past.  My past is who makes me what I am. 

 

Right now in school my son is studying the life cycle of the caterpillar.  How timely, don't you think?  The book title God gave me is from my childhood "Pretty Yellow Butterfly."  It was name when I was in Indian Maidens.  Sort of like Girl Scouts, I guess.  Right now, I am a caterpillar.  But soon, I will wrap myself up in a cocoon and emerge as the most beautiful butterfly.  A pretty, yellow butterfly. 

 

No disciplice seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:11 NIV

 

God's desire is for us to grow more Christlike as we grow to love Christ more.  Even during the trials when God is working on us, working on setting us free from sin, working on changing us from the inside out.  I can not wait to see how I look when God is done with me and I break free from my cocoon.  I am at peace now with writing this book and the message that he is sending out to the world through me.  I will write whatever he tells me to and will make it public when he says it is the right time.  This is God's book - not mine.  He is simply blessing me with the priviledge and honor to put pen to paper, so to speak.  He knows I have a passion to write (after all, he made me this way!) and he is giving me this gift.  What more can I ask for?