Day 3 - where did the time go?

Day 3 - 12.29.12

 

While these two kids are the most important facets of my life right now - they are not making it very easy to find time to write.  I finished my first chapter yesterday and was really gung ho on tackling the 2nd chapter today.  Well, I managed the 1st paragraph.  Not near what I had hoped or planned. 

 

I realized I am doing alot of my creative writing in from of the computer, so I am going to try something different.  I already had the basic outline and scriptures and order as God laid it out for me.  My thought is to write out a more detailed outline so that when I sit down to write, I have more of a plan of action and it is not my creative process and writing process at the same time.  We shall see.  I don't want to deviate from God's plan but I do want to accomplish more when I do have time to write. 

 

I don't want this taking a year to get out - my emotions and feelings are still fresh - I am actually walking through a new situation which is requiring me to use the tools God created through me this summer and I want to be able to incorporate those real time into the book so as it unfolds it is a testimony to God's faithfulness and how this process - Scriptural Based Therapy - SBT - can help anyone get through a crises or even their everyday life. 

 

Time to go rest and work on this outline.  I pray the Lord will bless me with clarity and vision and continue to bless this process and move me forward even when I doubt and tire.  May he always remind me that this is His story to share with the world and I am just his conduit.

 

Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy and love.

Day 2

Day 2

Writing a book is harder than I thought.  I have so many ideas in my head and I am juggling priorities.  Time ... there is never enough.

 

When I took this photograph, I thought I looked pretty.  Now I can see how gaunt I looked.  I took this months into my illness when I was blind to my actions and how they were affecting my family.  At the time, I was consumed with my stress and my pain.  Living with a chronic illness is not easy - daily pain eats away at your patience and makes you frustrated and angry and hopeless.  I don't know how people go through something like this without faith in God. 

Phillipians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ,

who gives me strength(NLT).

 

As I write this, I am getting ready for a job interview.  Due to a large company reorganization, my current position is gone and I am "reassignable."  I am trying to find a job I want before they hand me my new assignment as I would like some say in where I land.  I am thankful that I was not surplussed and I know that I am in God's very capable hands.  He has always been in control of my career and while I am nervous about the position (it's not the one I have my heart set on), I am going to trust in Him.  He has never steered me wrong. 

 

That's the awesome thing about God - He wants the best for me so even if this new position is designed to teach me something, it's a lesson from God - who loves me more than I can imagine - and I can TRUST Him.  This goes for you, too.  If you are struggling, stop messing around and give it up to God.  Trust in Him and his goodness.  He has a plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) and it's a good one. 

 

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you, says the Lord.  I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. 

Jeremiah 29:13-14 (NLT)

 

So whether it be an illness or a job change, I trust God with my life.  After all, he gave it to me in the first place.

Day 1

For the past few weeks I have been working on a project.  It all started back in July 2012 when I went out on a medical leave due to extreme anxiety and depression.   There was no one cause for the leave, it was a culmination of several factors that began in September 2011.  My two children went through very difficult phases and work was unbearably stressful so there was no relief on either front.  I suffer chronic migraines and began taking a medication to which I had a very bad reaction.  I also recently found out about a medical condition that caused me to appear unclear, unbalanced and unable to focus.  Add to that the pressure and scrutiny I felt I was being put under at work coupled with a lack of managerial support including being lied about and I quickly spiraled downward. 

 

I was fortunate to have a dear friend fly through Atlanta and plan a stopover to visit with me.  She is a licensed Social Worker and she took one look at me and knew this wasn't going to be a social call.  God ordained this visit and intervention.  While we spoke for almost two hours, she immediately inquired about me being able to leave work or take time off to seek help.  With her encouragement, I called our work assistance program and got set up to see a psychiatrist the following week.

 

My husband and I went to the appointment - one of the worst ever because I got to see how much my illness had been impacting this man who holds everything in and never let's me know how hard it is for him.  When that facade finally is taken down what is left is a very painful picture that I will not paint so as to preserve his privacy.  I may decide to be public about what I went through but I don't have to share his side with the public.

 

At the end of the meeting, the psychiatrist told me she was taking me out of work and I would be put on a series of medications that she would monitor as well as have me attend weekly meetings with a psychologist.

 

It's now 5 months later and I am back at work and things are great.  I am still on my medications and seeing my therapist.  My children are no longer afraid of me and our home life is doing much better.  My husband and I are still healing - he was hurt the worst and it will take time to recover from those wounds and learn how to communicate better to keep this from happening again.

 

The silver lining is that I have been given a story to tell.  During my intense therapy, I used different techniques and did a lot of reading.  I modified the techniques and realized that God was giving me a message to share with others.  Over the past couple of months, he has been providing me scriptures to use for a book.  Some he designates as chapters and others as supporting scriptures.

For years I have felt that the Christian community does not do enough to address mental illness issues, especially using both medicine and doctors as part of the healing process.  I am excited that I will finally get to voice my opinion and combine my past experience in the system and act as an advocate for the system as well as offer a way to use our faith while getting better.  The two do not need to be seperate. 

I took a step of faith today.
 

I started writing that book today.